girl in greenwood

I worked on Saturday morning. I really didn't want to. I had been up late Friday night, first at J*'s bachelorette party and then at R*'s jazz gig. I considered calling in sick when I got home but didn't. The alarm went off at 5:00, I sat up and felt queasy and considered calling in sick but didn't. I stumbled into the shower, threw on my work clothes, and drove to work. I told myself that I would just go in, get my residents up and ready for breakfast, and if I still felt awful I could go home.

Then I got to work and found out why I needed to be there that day. My sweet lady hospice patient had gone rapidly downhill since I had seen her the week before, and I was her caregiver that day. Her family was on their way from out of town. And Hospice Lady didn't want to be alone. She wasn't speaking but I knew she recognized me when I spoke to her and leaned over to hug her and she put her arm around me to hug me back (she felt so fragile). I sat with her for most of 5 hours, until her family arrived. I held her hands and stroked her forehead and swabbed her mouth and talked to her and gave her spoonfuls of water and massaged her neck. Whenever I got up, she reached out for my hands. She was on oxygen but her breathing was still labored. Her pulse was fast and weak. Her skin was crinkly from dehydration and her fingernails were turning blueish. I asked the other nursing assistants who I knew were fond of her to come see her - and everyone did. All the CNAs and the nurse on duty dropped by and told her they loved her. Her closest friend at the Old People Hotel sent a CNA to tell Hospice Lady she loved her - and even in her state, Hospice Lady nodded to show she understood.

When her family arrived, they obviously wanted some alone time. So I gave them their privacy but dropped by every 30 minutes or so to check in. Before my shift ended, I changed Hospice Lady's brief (she was so dehydrated there wasn't much there) and got her resettled in bed. And then I sat down and told her that I loved her and that it was a privilege to take care of her and that I would be so glad for her when she was able to rest. I told her I would be thinking of her and her family and said goodbye and kissed her cheek.

When I got up to leave the room, her family members thanked me deeply, and hugged me a lot, even though I hadn't met them before today. I talked with them for a little while and told them they would be in my thoughts, and that I was honored to take care of their relative. One of them cried on my shoulder for a minute.

I really felt like a nurse that day. I cared for a patient, I cared for her family, and I held it together emotionally without suppressing all my feelings and becoming a robot. It was a really good experience.

I haven't been back to work since then and don't know for sure if Hospice Lady has passed away. I don't think she could have gone on for more than another day but I don't know for sure. I work tomorrow evening and will find out then.

Labels: end of life, patients