girl in greenwood

Balance in my life is something I struggle with a lot. Before I left town for Christmas, I wrote about finding an old journal that made me think about the issues that still bother me 5+ years later... and then my buddy the Third Degree Nurse wrote about looking at her New Year's resolutions and finding that she is usually happy in parts of her life but not in other parts. That comment pushed a button for me.

I do this self-assessment thing on the bus every morning on my way to work, where I ask my myself, "Are you happy?" (which is probably the wrong way to phrase it!) and then do my best to answer myself honestly. Most mornings the answer is "No, I feel anxious." Or tense, or angry, or sad, or tired. Or sometimes simply uncomfortable because I'm jammed into a seat that isn't quite big enough for me and my neighbor. Being someone who is prone to worrying and depression anyway, I then find myself worrying that I rarely answer myself with "Yes, I'm happy."

I have lots of good things in my life: My husband, my parents, my house, my neighborhood, my stepcats, a decent job (it's dumb, but the pay is decent, I have health insurance, and I love several of my coworkers a lot!), generally good health, two newer cars, good friends all over the world, school, a plan for my future career, the best public library... [totally off the subject: my neighborhood library branch is reopening January 29th!]

But then there are issues that keep bothering me: my weight, my stupid freaky skin (seriously, do I need to have acne, eczema, and wrinkles all at the same time?!), lack of quality time with my husband, ongoing struggle with anxiety/depression, and more recently, anxiety over whether I want to have a child or not. (Obviously, I am discussing this with my husband as well, but I am having a hell of a time figuring out what I want!)

So I do the best I can to find balance between the stressful things and the happy things. Which leads to weirdness like: my bathroom is filthy right now and I really really need to clean it, but if I don't give myself 30 minutes or an hour to read for fun every couple of days, I will go bonkers! (Denise, there's your answer about how I have time to read for fun - I give myself a break to read on nights that I don't have class. Sometimes it's only 15 minutes while I wait for the soup to simmer, but I read fast. My BA is in English literature, so I've been trained for quite some time to require regular infusions of text.)

The hardest thing for me to sort out is exercising. The problem is, I really don't LIKE to exercise. There are things that involve physical activity that I enjoy, like hiking, but I can't exactly do that 3-4 times a week with our crazy schedules. I do have a gym membership (two, actually, but that's another story), but I have trouble making myself go. That's just laziness - there is no reason I couldn't go every day. Speaking of which, coworker M* and I are leaving for the gym in 5 minutes!